A Little Help

Occasionally I get comments saying something to the effect of, "Oh, you're such a great mom!" And when I see such a comment I stop and ask myself, "Are they reading the same blog I am? How on earth have they become so deluded!" (That's a bit tongue-in-cheek.)
Ok, so I'm not a horrible mother. I'm not saying that at all. I love my kids, they're fed and dressed, they don't get beaten, and they at least get a bedtime story. But in no way do I think I deserve the "World's Best Mom" title. But I'd like to have it. And someday I hope my kids think I deserve it. So I'm working on it.
So, here's a little known secret. I don't usually tell people what I fast for but today I'll make an exception. Last Fast Sunday I fasted to be a better mom. Wrapped up in that plea were thoughts of patience, endurance, a little more love (and maybe a bit less screaming). We have been having a very difficult and trying month or two and I was out of options. There were days that I really thought I hated being a mom and I just wanted someone to come and take over. Now I only thought I hated it because if I bothered to pause for two seconds and tried to be honest with myself I remembered that I would never want anyone else even pretending to raise my children. But then the chaos would continue and those two seconds just didn't seem to be enough.
Now back to the fasting. Like I said, I was out of options. Things weren't getting better, I was miserable, and my children were not getting what they deserved. So I turned it over to the Lord. And then a tiny miracle. I was exhausted all day Sunday (it was fasting day afterall) but not a loud word escaped my lips. I was too tired and being patient was just easier that day. And then it happened again the next day. And then the next. And... well, we're on day ten and no one has heard Mommy yell once.
Please note, cause this is important, that the miracle did not happen in my children. They still fight and make messes and completely ignore me. No, it wasn't that easy. The change occurred in me. Although I'm not quite sure I've actually even changed yet. Maybe a teensy little bit. But not much. No, I'm convinced that the Lord is doing most of the work here because I can't and I asked. And maybe as I slowly have my change of heart I'll find that I'm doing more and more on my own. And then maybe I'll be the World's Greatest Mom.