Remembering

Four weeks ago my baby brother died. We miss him. I think about him every day. I cry over him every day. I don't want it to be normal for him to not be here but I know that one day it is going to be normal and I think that is what hurts the most.

------------

It was just an accident - a 17-year-old boy who thinks he's invincible and so does careless things. I have often thought of ways the Lord might have prevented this. My dad might have had the inspiration to review the safety precautions in the house. I could have felt the need to call him that afternoon. Chelsie could have knocked on his door. But no one thought to do anything. Heavenly Father didn't ask any of us to do anything and so I know He didn't need us to. If Chase had more to do in this life he would still be here. But the Lord has a work for him to do and His need is greater than ours so Chase went home.

------------

I am 9 years, 364 days older than Chase. In just a couple of weeks he'll be 18. The next day I'll be 28. Every year he would have our Grandma Shoaf make her chocolate sheet cake for his birthday. This year I'm having the same.

------------

I have learned a lot about grief and pain and loss over the past several weeks. Everyone experiences and knows what loss feels like at some point. But grief is different. Many people have come with sympathy and well wishes, telling us that they know how we feel because of something similar in their life. I appreciate what they are trying to give us, but I'm sorry, they don't know how I feel.
My grief is different than my husband's, than my mother's or father's - it's even different than my sisters' grief. We all had different relationships with Chase. He meant something different to each of us. We all lost something different that day.
My mother lost her baby. I can not even begin to comprehend what that is like. My brother lost his only brother. My sister lost her dearest friend, which is something I don't think she even understands yet. I lost a brother who I was just beginning to know, as I moved out when he was only eight years old.
No one knows exactly how I feel except for the Savior. Because of the atonement, He felt exactly what I felt that week. He knew and knows how to succor me. I must confess that there were times that my heart ached so much that I did not feel Him anywhere near me. I felt utterly alone. But I know He was there and I know that He was yoked with me. He helped bear my load so that I wouldn't have to carry it all. Because He already did. Because He loves me. It is amazing to me that because He bore all that I would ever have to feel in this life I don't actually have to feel it all. It hurt so much with His help, I don't even want to think about what it would have felt like had He not carried so much.

------------

My family laughed a lot that week. As we swapped stories, looked at pictures, and watched videos we identified dozens of incidents where Chase should have died. He jumped on logs over ravines, swung on ropes through forests, and did back flips off the barn rafters (landing on his head, no less). It was amazing how much life he packed into 17 short years. As my brother Trey said of the two of them, they lived dreams together.