How I Ruined Valentine's Day

Our weekend had some lovely spots. I hope yours did too. It also had some very, very bad spots. I hope yours didn't.
Friday morning dawned brightly and we all headed out the door. All of us, as in even the Rocket Scientist because it was his Friday off. I highly recommend working for companies that give you every other Friday off. And an automatic week at Christmas. I'm just sayin'.
First we headed to the doctors office where it was confirmed that Handsome Face's double ear infection was, indeed, gone. Then we went to the library where I scored a big bag of discount books and the kids perused the shelves with their father for some temporary goodies. Prior to this book fest we sat on a bench in the sunshine eating cashews and fruit leather as we arrived at the library 15 minutes too early. Who ever heard of opening at 9am every day of the week except Friday?! But the sunshine and snack was most welcome.
Then we headed to a local artists' colony for the annual art festival. We had fun walking around, seeing all the vendors' wares, and sampling food. The kids loved riding the horse drawn carriage and seeing all the dogs. I loved the wild blackberry honey I bought (the kids liked tasting all the honey and getting sticky). We all got tired and a little bit sunburned as I never remember the sunscreen in February.
When we got home I thought my allergies had started for the year. My throat hurt a LOT. So I took my drugs and a nap and then we all watched Bedknobs and Broomsticks for family movie night and ate chicken carbonara from the Rocket Scientist's kitchen.
That night I got up with children and when I came back to bed my husband came over to cuddle with me. When he felt my legs he said, "Wow, you're warm." And then his head slid up to my forehead and he said, "And not the good kind." So I went to the bathroom, took my temperature, found I had a fever, took two Tylenol and went back to bed.
The next morning the kids blissfully let us stay in bed til almost eight o'clock. We all got up, got ready for the day, the kids went to the grocery with their dad and I cleaned the kitchen. I then collapsed back into my bed. I only ever got up when some dire physical need required it. My house got trashed that day and we had to cancel our Valentine's date that night. I even had a real baby-sitter! And there was no cookie making that day. So sad.
It turned out that Cute Girl also had the flu bug. So on Sunday we stayed home together and the boys went to church. The Rocket Scientist made the heart shaped pancakes with strawberries and cream that I was going to make for the kids. Then he brought me some in bed at eight o'clock. Yes, I slept til eight o'clock. And I went back to bed at ten. I repeated this pattern for the rest of the day. And the boys once again went to our friends' for Valentine's Day dinner all by themselves. Cute Girl had a bath and was out in seconds. I laid on the couch and read 22 pages of the Book of Mormon until they came home. Then we went to bed. Exciting, huh?
And now Handsome Face has pink eye in both eyes. Will it never end?

Hodgepodge

I did not know when we got married that the Rocket Scientist is good at winning things. Seriously, he is. Last year he entered a contest at work to design a new logo for some program with missiles. His design won and I got an extra few hundred dollars tacked onto my paycheck. Later in the fall our insurance's health newsletter called for original whole grain recipes. I told him to submit his red bean and rice soup recipe. And it won too! He scored a $100 Amazon gift card.
So with $100 burning a hole in my pocket I turned to Amazon. I'm supposed to be keeping it to buy all the gifts that we have to buy over the next few months but I can't help but look for all the children's books I would like to buy. Then Rachael started posting about books and now I'm really itching to buy some.
We don't have a ton of books but we do have some great ones. Right now, Handsome Face's favorite book (and so his bedtime story EVERY night) is Monkey and Me by Emily Gravett. Ours came from a Cheerios box via Uncle John. We love that he saves all the cereal books for us! The book is so cute and our copy is also in Spanish so we read it in both languages simultaneously - me reading the English and the Rocket Scientist reading the Spanish. My kids love yelling pinguinos! at the top of their lungs.
And Rachael inspired me to track down a book sale. I got a whole bag full of books for $5.50. I couldn't even get one on Amazon for that price!

Swimming in January

Some lovely people offered the use of their indoor pool to my mom while we were in Indiana. I went to school with their granddaughter so we all went over one day to try out the pool. The kids had a ball.

Playing Around

While we were in Indiana and after the Rocket Scientist had already gone back home, the kids and I went with Aunt Abby to one of the coolest elementary school playgrounds around. We had fun and got very, very cold.


Riding the 4-person see-saw.

Roasty Toasty

We started out the new year with some great family goals. One of them was to have a family activity at least once a month that was pre-planned and a little out of the ordinary. The night that my brother died we had planned to roast marshmallows over our smoldering Christmas tree (only in the desert can this be a family tradition). Needless to say, this was postponed but we did get to do it finally at the end of January. The kids loved their s'mores and watching the fire send sparks up into the air.

Remembering

Four weeks ago my baby brother died. We miss him. I think about him every day. I cry over him every day. I don't want it to be normal for him to not be here but I know that one day it is going to be normal and I think that is what hurts the most.

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It was just an accident - a 17-year-old boy who thinks he's invincible and so does careless things. I have often thought of ways the Lord might have prevented this. My dad might have had the inspiration to review the safety precautions in the house. I could have felt the need to call him that afternoon. Chelsie could have knocked on his door. But no one thought to do anything. Heavenly Father didn't ask any of us to do anything and so I know He didn't need us to. If Chase had more to do in this life he would still be here. But the Lord has a work for him to do and His need is greater than ours so Chase went home.

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I am 9 years, 364 days older than Chase. In just a couple of weeks he'll be 18. The next day I'll be 28. Every year he would have our Grandma Shoaf make her chocolate sheet cake for his birthday. This year I'm having the same.

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I have learned a lot about grief and pain and loss over the past several weeks. Everyone experiences and knows what loss feels like at some point. But grief is different. Many people have come with sympathy and well wishes, telling us that they know how we feel because of something similar in their life. I appreciate what they are trying to give us, but I'm sorry, they don't know how I feel.
My grief is different than my husband's, than my mother's or father's - it's even different than my sisters' grief. We all had different relationships with Chase. He meant something different to each of us. We all lost something different that day.
My mother lost her baby. I can not even begin to comprehend what that is like. My brother lost his only brother. My sister lost her dearest friend, which is something I don't think she even understands yet. I lost a brother who I was just beginning to know, as I moved out when he was only eight years old.
No one knows exactly how I feel except for the Savior. Because of the atonement, He felt exactly what I felt that week. He knew and knows how to succor me. I must confess that there were times that my heart ached so much that I did not feel Him anywhere near me. I felt utterly alone. But I know He was there and I know that He was yoked with me. He helped bear my load so that I wouldn't have to carry it all. Because He already did. Because He loves me. It is amazing to me that because He bore all that I would ever have to feel in this life I don't actually have to feel it all. It hurt so much with His help, I don't even want to think about what it would have felt like had He not carried so much.

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My family laughed a lot that week. As we swapped stories, looked at pictures, and watched videos we identified dozens of incidents where Chase should have died. He jumped on logs over ravines, swung on ropes through forests, and did back flips off the barn rafters (landing on his head, no less). It was amazing how much life he packed into 17 short years. As my brother Trey said of the two of them, they lived dreams together.